Imitation of D&C 122:6-7

If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations;

If thou art accursed with all manner of craziness

if thine enemies fall upon thee;

if thine roommates drop to the floor

if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters;

if they tear thee from the company of thy homework and textbooks and essays

and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring,

and if with a double-feature thine and nail polish roommates tear thee from the bosom of the testing center, and of thine study groups

and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you?

and thine TA, although but 2 years older, shall cling to thy ID number, and shall say, My student, my student, why can’t you stay in class? O, my student, what are the roommates going to do with you?

and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb;

and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the movie, and thou be dragged to a girls’ night, and thine roommates prowl around thee like a vulture for the flesh of the carcass

And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; 

And if thou shouldst be cast into the lovesack, or into the hands of makeovers, and the sentence of all-nighter passed upon thee

if thou be cast into the deep; 

if thou be cast into the pajamas;

if the billowing surge conspire against thee; 

if the growing blanket-tent ascend before thee;

if fierce winds become thine enemy;

if howling giggles become thine hypnosis

if the heavens gather blackness,

if the night gather stardust

and all the elements combine to hedge up the way;

and all the game choices combine to hedge up the way;

and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee,

and above all, if the very clutches of midnight showing shall linger open the dollar movie theater

know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience,

know thou, my friend, that all these things shall give thee a fun time

and shall be for thy good.

And shall help thee with finals.