Baby Bear's First Blanket

Now is Easiest

For me, the past few months have been ideal/overwhelming/productive/unproductive/exciting/frightening/decisive/indecisive/busy/laid-back and all 'round NUTS.  Those moments when everything is lining up, I say to my self "this is the easiest time right now, and will only get harder later."  Then, I lose control again and things get crazy.  Such is life!

There are 2 phrases that I have as my arsenal to combat the hard times - 1) "You are enough", and 2) "Now is easiest".  Arsenal #1 is saved for the hardest times, and I won't go into that detail here.

Arsenal #2 has quite the array of uses; here are a few:

1. After a 13hr travel/work day, I finally get to my car and remember that we need milk, but it takes 20min to get home as it is.  I just need a little breather then I can go again.
2. Get home from work with only a few minutes pause before heading out to an activity so I need to change my clothes and dash out again.  Fun clothes on, work clothes in my hands...closet over there, bed right here.
3. In the checkout line at Walmart (where, I promise, they only have 3 lanes open EVER) with my arms full of groceries, when I remember one more thing we need (and of course it's at the back of the store).  It'll take just as long to come back as it would to get out of line and go get ___.
4. Just cooked dinner, finished washing the dishes, and am heading to finally sit down when I notice a few things I've forgotten on the counter.  "I'll come back and get those later."
5. Because of the type of fence and the landscape curbing, mowing our lawn takes an extra step - Weed-whacking along the edges to get what the mower can't reach.  After the 1hr standard mowing, I just want to go relax.  

For the most part, these are all realistic and justifiable excuses/reasons not to do ___ so sometimes I tell myself "later works just as good".  Then, of course, Jiminy Cricket pipes up "Now is easiest".

1. The extra 15min to/from/at the store will save you the 40 it would be from home and back.
2. You're already holding your clothes, just take the extra steps to the closet.  Then you won't have to take minutes to clean up tonight before getting in bed.
3. Get out of line!  Giving yourself motivation and desire (see 1.) to come back to the store is hard enough.
4. Those handful of packages or dishes will only take a second, and you'll feel better walking out of a clean kitchen so Gma doesn't have to do it.
5. The time it'll take you to rearrange your schedule to edge, then change clothes, walk out to the shed, and then start is ridiculous.  

NOW IS EASIEST!

AML Happiness Is...

#AMLHappinessIs

Last year, I somehow started using "Happiness Is.." for posts/thoughts/photos/moments that just made my whole self smile.  It has stuck!!  I even have a hashtag (my first and only one) to document all those things that fill me with true joy.

When You Wish Upon a Star...

David O. McKay said, "'How may I know when I am in love?' That is a very important question...in the presence of the girl you truly love you do not feel to grovel; in her presence you do not attempt to take advantage of her; in her presence you feel that you would like to be everything that a great man should become, for she will inspire you to that idea.  And I ask you young women to cherish that same guide.  What does he inspire in you?"

I have to try out things!  I can't close off my heart to the possibility of love.  Honestly, I'm afraid of it.  I don't know what it feels like and I'm scared.  I've always dreamed I'll feel bubbles in my heart and fireworks in my stomach but, I'm realizing now that I might just have a peaceful feeling and then I'll know.  Love will take effort and I will have to open up.  John D. Claybaugh said, "Some people expect the Lord to provide a dramatic revelation about their eternal mate, but what usually happens is that we drop our defenses and communicate with a potential spouse, we experience subtle, ongoing spiritual promptings about the relationship.  Inspiration can come only when we are honest with ourselves, our potential mates, and the Lord." ("Dating: A Time to Become Best Friends," Ensign, April 1994)

I recently read a wonderful book about the Mormon dating scene called Base Hits and Home Run Relationships.  Every chapter discussed things that single Mormon girls wish guys knew, relating it to a baseball game (gets me every time), and I started thinking about and listing what I wish and hope the man I will marry knows about dating (and life).

---

1.  Don't stop living the Priesthood, even for a moment
I want to look to you for priesthood leadership. You won’t have time to quickly repent and suddenly make yourself worthy when someone in our family needs a blessing. Be ready ALL of the time! Every time you go home-teaching, bless/pass the sacrament, help someone move, give a blessing, perform ordinances, or complete any other quorum assignment, you are showing the Lord that He can count on you. A good woman wants to know that she can count on you, too. I'm betting my future, and even my eternity, on you.

2.  Be a gentleman

Be courteous to cashiers, servers, janitors, EVERYONE.  Your wife is watching and looking to see what kind of father you will be, based on how you treat children.  I'm looking to see what kind of leader you will be, based on how you treat those lesser than you.  I'm looking to see what kind of man you are, based on how you treat everyone - family or not.  The priesthood is a gift that teaches men how to be gentleman by helping them see how to look outside themselves.  Are you selfish or selfless in the way you interact with anyone you encounter or do you make excuses as to why you didn't help?  Do you perform acts of kindness for the people in your family now?  I am a big dreamer whose views on love have been shaped by the pages and reels I've been exposed to (the good old-fashioned stuff) - - I don't have the experience with it, but I know what I expect in a gentleman.    

3.  Stay focused on our goal

We're going to have hard days - bad days, long days, sad days, boring days, and even impossible days.  Please don't give up on our goal of eternity...don't give up on me.  Help us make changes within our relationship to make it even better.  Help us keep going!  If things get hard, I won't give up; I don't know how to.  But, I will always drop anything to run and help, sometimes neglecting other things.  Let me help you.  Let me know what your dreams are.  Together, let's set essential goals and make them happen. 

4.  Be there

Be there.  Be consistent.  I've taken one too many of those "what style of Love are you" quizzes to know that I see and feel love through quality time.  I want to feel that you are there for me no matter what.  Help me to know that you love me -- tell me, and make me say it back.  Show that you care through everything you do.  Help me know that together we can raise our family to be kind, courteous, and wise.  Make time for us.  Make time for that moment when plans change and we can't do what we wanted to do.  Make time for our family.  Make me push aside my stubborn independence to allow you to help.  Make me remember that I am enough for you.  I'm used to being on my own and handling things by myself.  I grew up being completely satisfied with quiet and playing on my own.  I learned so many different skills and abilities so that I can take care of just about any need I have -- fixing/diagnosing cars, basic home repairs, first aid, finances, etc.  I know that I need others, but I don't want to inconvenience anyone by asking for help.  I don't want to add burden to your hard day at the office by making you take the trash out.  Help me see that you are there.  Help me let go of projects so we can work together on our heavenly home.  Don't let me forget to kiss you goodbye as you leave for work, or to talk to you right as you come home.  It doesn't matter so much what exactly you say or do, but it's the thought behind those words or actions that will determine whether or not we've "struck out in the game of love."    

5. Keep things in order and in place

Put Heavenly Father first, ALWAYS!!  Please see how the rest of your life should fit together and live by that order.  Don't postpone friendships for money.  Don't push off essentials in favor or want-to-haves.  Don't forget our relationship because you don't have the time for fun.  Don't let our family go to bed without kneeling together in prayer.  When you're at work, be at work and do your best there so you can come home feeling like you've done your best...and so you can focus on us when you get home.  When you're home, be here with me.   Leave time for fun, even if the lawn doesn't get mowed or the laundry isn't quite folded.  Do you make sure to call your mom every so often?  Do you send your sister a text reminding her to have a good day?  Do you pray for your friend who's struggling?  Do you take a detour to work just so you can drive by the temple and remember the covenants you made there?  Do you make time for those things that are most important to eternity?  

6.  It doesn't have to be extravagant

I don't want fancy.  I don't need bling.  I don't crave over-the-top.  Just spend time with me.  Let's go for a walk down the same road everyday just so we can be together.  Let's sit and laugh through the same movie for the millionth time just because it's our favorite.  Roll your eyes at my sappy music and laugh at my cooing over mushy movies.  Grab my dishwater-wrinkled hand and let's dance around the kitchen until we're dizzy.  Take us on a drive with no destination so we can talk everything out.  I don't need the huge house with the newest gadgets or decorations.  I don't want the best of the best to show off.  I only want what we can build together.  I don't want the big and fancy, I want the real and worthwhile.    

---

My tree of love has a lot of bruises and chipped bark.  My branches are mere twigs with sprouts and I don't know how to prune out or graft in, but I know where The Gardener is and how to access the blessings only He can give.  I know that He has given me the experiences that I needed in order for me to become the under-gardener he wants me to be.  I haven't had someone come into my garden and stay long enough to see what my trees have to offer.

Spencer W. Kimball said, "The successful marriage depends in large measure upon the preparation made in approaching it...One cannot pick the ripe, rich, luscious fruit from a tree that was never planted, nurtured, nor pruned".

I don't know what you are doing or where you are right now, but I want you to know that I'm becoming the best that I can be and I only expect the best that you can give.  

Let's Get...Vulnerable

I don't yet know how to let my guard down.  I want to but I just can't.  When someone comes into my life, I am more than ready to do anything for them.  I'll rearrange my schedule and drop tasks, at a moment's notice, in order to help or make time for another person but I always struggle letting someone in to my heart.  I haven't had too many people WANT to be there and I'm hesitant to leave those doors wide open.

Those that have made it into my heart and have seen my tender packets of dreams are those who have shown at all times that they love me.  They love my silly dreams, crazy ideas, and unique goals.  They gently hold the threads that lead to my heartbreaks and have woven them to ribbons that sparkle with understanding and are lined with their support.  They never let go, even if I let the path back go cold.

That's Not Everything

I was at a game night with some (new) friends in my (new) ward and the conversation drifted to dating.  This is NOT my favorite topic, especially in mixed company (he's and she's).  Discussion flowed and swirled around any dating/relationship/flirting topic you can think of when one of the guys piped up....

Before I tell you what he asked, I'll tell you a snippet about this fellow.  He has a medical condition that has severely disabled many of his everyday functions.  His body is basically skin and bones, but his mind is just as sharp as anyone.

....He wouldn't look any of the girls in the eyes, but stared at the ground and asked...."Do you think my condition is the reason no girls like me?"

Everyone sat in silence, not knowing what to say or how to answer.  I thought for a second and replied: "___, your condition is only one part of who you are.  Any girl worth your time will see all the other things that define you and those are what she can decide from.  Yes, our physical appearance is the first thing any potential partner sees, but they have to look inside to find a match."

Once I said that, others chimed in and the discussion moved on to other exciting things.

When I got home that night, and many nights since, I have had to sit my heart down and remind myself of that very thing -- this thing/weakness/quirk/flaw is only one part of who I am.  I am worth looking into; I am worth being loved.  I am like an antique book -- only those who really know the worth of the story inside will place me among his other treasures.  That man is the only one I want.  He is the one to whom I will open the pages of my deepest heart.